literature

Kiss me 3 - Frerard

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Literature Text

What he was doing was sick. Sick and wrong. By now he knew that. He knew he should stop. But the feeling was completely addictive. He could be in control… just for those few moments. With a painful wince, Gerard bit his lip to keep from crying out as he pressed the razor deep into the fold of his arm. Tears were in his eyes, but he still smiled to himself. Scars criss-crossed across his wrist up to his elbow from previous cuttings. The blade dropped, and clanged against the blood-filled sink. The cut wasn’t too deep, but still caused quite a bit of blood to gush from the open wound. He shivered gently, holding his arm away from him and watching the blood trickle down with an odd grim pleasure. But he wasn’t done. He took the blade again, not feeling accomplished. The sharp edge pressed again to his skin.
“Gerard! Frank’s here!” His mothers sharp voice was all it took for him to falter and press in more deeply than he intended. This time he did cry out, but he stifled it so as not to cause alarm. He kept himself steady by the side of the sink and closed his eyes. Shit, no, go away.
“A-alright!” he croaked, knowing he’d have to make his way downstairs after stabilising the heavy bleeding. Oh God, too late. He heard Frank’s light but recognisable thumps on the stairs and gasped gently, but stayed put. He opened his eyes, gaze travelling to the still wide open door. His mother had been cooking, so there was no reason to shut it. She hummed anyway as she walked, so he would have heard her. But now he fully regretted not closing that fucking door. It was the one thing that could have stopped this!
Slowly, but surely, Frank’s small figure appeared in the doorway. Despite his predicament, he felt a pang of adoration for the boy. His hair was ruffled up like he’d only just woken up on it and his smile was radiant. If it were not for the situation, he would be ecstatic to see the boy. But obviously, he wasn’t now.
“Hey Gee, you-” That was as far as he got before he saw the blood rushing from his arm, which Gerard was covering with his other hand in a feeble attempt to stop the bleeding. It wasn’t, but rather just creating a bloody mess.
The older boy saw Frank pale and cringed slightly, ready for shouting or something to that effect. But there wasn’t any. Frank moved over to him silently, shaking slightly. Then, finally he spoke.
“What…what have you done?” he asked gently, softly. Almost trying to comfort the frightened and worried sick Gerard.
The words made him feel worse about what had happened and tears ran down his cheeks. “I d-don’t know.. God Frank, you have to h-help me. It won’t stop b-b…bleeding.” He whimpered, shaking violently himself.
“Of course, right.” Frank murmured to himself, applying pressure gently to the wound with one hand. With the others, he opened up the medicine cabinet and dug in for some bandages. He growled lightly when he found none and motioned for Gerard to replace his hand. Gerard did, applying as much pressure as the other had. Frank then lifted his shirt up over his head, expression calm and unreadable. Gerard almost wished he’d show some emotion, rather than being so dealing.
Getting the fabric as close to a bandage as he could, Frank pressed it to Gerard deep cut and pressed gently, causing Gerard to hiss with pain. Gradually, after a lot of sobbing from Gerard and soft hushing sounds from Frank, the bleeding slowed down, and halted altogether. Frank wasn’t sure how much blood the boy must have lost, but his t-shirt was soaked and the sink was coated in the stuff. Not to mention the tiles beneath his feet. Gerard too. Somehow, the blood had printed across his other arm too, and across his shirt. Just near his hairline, there was a couple on fingerprints of red.
For about five minutes, both boys avoided each others eyes and stayed silent. Frank had no idea what to say. Well, there were lots of things he wanted to say, but none were appropriate. Then, finally, Gerard cringed and pulled his arm away from Frank.
“Frank…Frank I’m sorry you had to do that.. I didn’t want to hurt you...or whatever..” Frank looked up at him, expression finally showing on his face. A mix between upset and fury.
“I just… can’t believe you would be so selfish, Gerard.” He said softly, keeping Gerard’s gaze. That made him feel even worse and he clutched his mangled wrist to his chest.
“How is it selfish?” He asked just a little defensively, knowing that although it had gone wrong, he was still stuck on the reason he did it.
“Gerard… just by asking that..” he shook his head in disapproval, angry tears in his eyes. To occupy himself, he turned on both of the sink taps and grabbed a cloth, rubbing it against the side. He knew he’d have to use bleach for all of this. “How do you think I’d feel if I’d stayed downstairs for a while, then come up to find you barely alive on the floor, covered in your own blood?” he paused, keeping his voice low but adding a rough tone. “What if it got worse, if you’d lost to much blood? What if you were taken away from me? How the fuck do you think I would feel?” Frank growled, risking a glance at Gerard, he stared numbly back at him.
“You know what, that’s going extremes. Just coming upstairs, now. Just seeing you holding your bleeding arm like that. I almost fucking fainted from worry. All I’m wondering is why. Why the fuck did you do it? No, better, how could you do it? How could you do that to me? Go on, Gerard, tell me. Please”
Frank was almost shouting now, breathing unevenly as he turned fully to Gerard, whose stomach was twisting sickly with each word. His expression did a cycle, contorting into pain and sorrow as he felt the others anger. No-one had ever talked to him like that and to be honest, it made him feel small and pathetic. Because Frank was right! Of course he was. By doing this, he was being completely selfish. But maybe that didn’t matter. Maybe he was allowed to be selfish.
“Because..” he paused, evening out his cracking voice. He hesitated, not knowing how to say it properly. “Every day at school, even on the streets, people stare at me and think ‘Oh God what a freak’. I was bound to get it wasn’t I? That’s just me. So before, I tried to change. But it didn’t matter, Frank. Because no matter what I wore, listened to, or changed myself into, it never fucking worked! No-one liked me, no-ones ever liked me. No, they look at me with disgust, like I’m lower than them..” his voice broke several times, and he slumped down to the floor. Frank didn’t interrupt him, but stopped cleaning and sank down himself, sitting fully in the pool of Gerard’s blood. It didn’t matter, he was too emotional to care.
“They always say, be yourself. They say that’s what you should do, because people will accept you for who you are. But I never was! I never fucking was! I tried everything. Absolutely everything. Nothing worked. People just didn’t accept me. Do you know how it feels to realise that you’re a natural outcast? To think that to be yourself, is to be a freak. To be different and weird. I was born the way I am, and quite obviously that’s not good enough.” He was half-sobbing as he spoke now and Frank had the urge to comfort him, but had a stronger one to slap him in the face.
“It’s fucking depressing. It makes me feel like dirt. I… I can say things back to them, like I did last week… but it doesn’t really make me feel any better. Because I know even if I get rid of them, I’m still going to be hated for the rest of my life. Sometimes..” he paused, then decided not to say it. Frank could guess what was coming next, but needed to hear it.
“Sometimes?” he whispered gently, closing his eyes and tilting his head forwards so his scruffy hair fell over his face and hid him from Gerard’s view. Not that the older boy was keen on getting eye contact at the moment anyway.
“Sometimes…I wonder if I should just end it all and not bother.” He managed to get out and did feel weight lifting from his chest. It would probably make his heart sink if he saw Frank’s expression, but it was completely hidden.
“You know…it was probably stupid that I ever thought this but..” Frank opened his eyes and looked up at Gerard. Their eyes met and stayed that way. “I thought I would have made a difference.” he said quietly.
Confused now, the boy across from him rubbed a hand across his make-shift bandage and frowned gently. “What do you mean? Make a difference? How?”
“You’re saying you feel like an outcast, that everyone hates you. I don’t hate you, I love you. I would have thought that counted for something. I guess not.”
Gerard tugged his eyes away from the others- an obvious sign of discomfort. He immediately felt guilty. “You know it’s not like that. When it comes to you loving me, and the rest of the world hating me, I tend to go on a majority rule.” he said quietly.
Frank snorted in disgust. “If you’re going to think like that then I don’t know why I’m wasting my time.” he paused, sighing gently as he realised it had hurt Gerard when he said that. “Listen, I’m just saying, you could have told me this sooner. You could tell me anything, you know that. You didn’t have to go and slice your arms open.”
Gerard’s throat was now cracked and dry and he was feeling sorry for himself, along with Frank for having to put up with him. He was a bit dizzy from blood loss and wanted to sleep, but he knew this was important. “I didn’t think of that then. I started before I even became good friends with you, Frank. I couldn’t just stop like that. The feeling… it… it makes me feel in control. I can control whether I live or die. Just for that moment, I’ve got power over something in my life.”
Frank watched him, unsure how to feel. He was barely taking it all in. It still made no sense. He doubted he’d ever get to the real reason anyway. Sighing gently, he rubbed the drying tears from his face, and got back up, starting to clean again, aware he’d have to change into some of Gerard’s clothes before he left. “Alright, Gerard. I understand..”
Gerard was perfectly aware he didn’t, but stayed quiet all the same. He would let him clean up, since the blood around him was making him feel nervous. It was just lying there in pools and only now did he notice how much had come out of him. “F-Frank?” he asked quietly, getting up unsteadily.
As Frank washed bleach over the sink, his eyes returned to Gerard and he nodded once.
“Will you help me?”
Frank eyed him curiously, pausing in his work. For a few moments, he just thought. Then he turned away and carried on. “That depends on whether you want to stop, or you just want me to be happy.”
“I do… fuck, I do. Since I’ve been with you, it’s been better. Not much, but better.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well.. I may be an outcast, but at least I have a reason to live as an outcast now.”
A reason to live. Frank stopped again, eyes fixated on the fully clean sink. He felt his heart skip. “W-what?”
“Oh, sorry.. I just meant, that you’re basically what’s keeping me holding on.”
Frank turned his head, to see Gerard looking back at him, sheepish but sincere. “Oh, fuck Gerard.. That’s not good…” But it was for him. In some horrible way, the fact he was the reason to Gerard’s life was good. “Yes, yes.. I’ll help you. Just don’t ever, ever think of…killing yourself. Because I’d kill myself too, you know that?” he asked. Gerard cringed, not liking that. But he nodded gently, numbly.
With a long sigh, Frank turned away from the sink. “Come on, give me a hug.” he murmured, holding his arms out feebly. Gerard sank into his bare chest, crying silently. Frank let him, rubbing his back gently and shushing him, rocking back and forth. “It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay. I’m gonna make sure.” Gerard nodded gently, kissing the first bit of skin he came to on Frank’s chest. The small boy shivered. “Hey, I love you, you know that?” he cooed to Gerard, and the taller male straightened up, so Frank was once again looking up at him.
“I know..” he hesitated, but then took a small breath and smiled lightly. “I love you too.”
Frank couldn’t help the smile spreading across his face. Gerard hadn’t said it back, not yet until now. “Thank you. I will help you…or try to at least…but…” he bit his lip, looking down at the floor. Gerard frowned, putting his thumb and forefinger under the others chin and lifting it so they locked gazes.
“What?”
“Well…don’t you think you’re mom should know?”
Gerard let his hand drop and shook his head, paling. “No! She’d take it way overboard and you know it Frank. Please, please. I want me and you to do this on our own. Getting her involved won’t help me at all..” he was half-begging, also ashamed of what he had been doing in private.
With a bit of convincing, Frank agreed to keep it a secret, but he would tell her if things got too out of control.
Most of the talking was finished, and both were reasonably happy to work in silence. So they did, Frank cleaning the floor and Gerard going and getting them new clothes to wear. Once they were finished, the bathroom looked near spotless. “Not too bad..” Frank smiled to himself, glad he’d done a good job. Then he took the clothes from Gerard and placed them down as he took his remaining jeans and boxers off. Though Gerard averted his eyes, Frank caught him looking and grinned to himself. He pulled on the clothes quickly and Gerard did the same with his own. Frank didn’t bother making it look like he wasn’t trying to watch. He wanted to, just to see how Gerard reacted. At first, he was a little nervous, but seemed to get used to it. Finally he pulled his shirt up over his head and Frank was surprised.
“Gerard…” His eyes were wide. Gerard looked down, trying to see whatever it was Frank was staring at.
“What? Is there more blood on me?”
“No, no, you idiot. I just…”
“What? Come on, you’re making me feel weird now..”
Frank grinned up at Gerard, who looked utterly confused. “Well, with what everyone said.. I assumed you had at least some weight.” It was true. Everyone called him fat so often, that with his chubby cheeks, Frank had to assume he was chubby. But he wasn’t! God no. His stomach was smooth, if a tiny bit rounded and his chest muscles were fairly well developed. He had a very, very nice chest.
Finally lifting his eyes, Frank looked up at Gerard who was blushing lightly. “Well, I’ve lost a lot of weight lately.”
Frank raised both eyebrows. “Why? Are you not eating or something?” he asked, though he hadn’t seen any dramatic changes in his diet.
“Oh, no.. I’ve been doing exercise and stuff.”
“Oh right… why bother doing that?” Frank asked, a bit confused.
Gerard’s blushed deepened. “Well, I figured..” he cleared his throat gently. “I figured you’d…well, see me at some point and I didn’t want you to be disappointed.”
Well, that was an understatement. He was a little dazed, and prepared to jump Gerard. But apart from that..
“Gerard, I think you’re amazing anyway. Besides, I fell in love with you when you had the weight on you. I’d..” he paused, wondering if he should say. Oh, go on. “I’d want to sleep with you either way.” he giggling, despite himself.
Again, Gerard blushed. “Thanks, I think.” He waited a moment before asking, “How long ago did you realise you…loved me?” he asked, now curious.
Frank let Gerard dress as he thought, again watching him. God he’s well endowed.. Interrupted his thoughts and he decided to turn away. “Well…if you mean properly like…knowing I loved you more than I should...about four months ago…” he voice wavered a little. “If you meant…sexual stuff. Like, being physically attracted to you…I’ve always known that…just never daydreamed about it before.” he gave a nervous smile.
Gerard grinned himself, shaking his head. “You know, when Mikey introduced us, he never actually told me how you knew him, so I assumed you were…well, his boyfriend. I actually felt jealous then, though I only really remember now… Then Mikey told me and I was relieved… but I guess that means I’ve always liked you too.”
Frank seemed pleased about that, but Gerard wasn’t done. He was still thinking. “I know this isn’t the right situation to ask or anything, but..” The older boy moved closer to Frank, still only in boxers and a shirt. Frank was very aware of that fact and took it to his advantage by moving their hips close, pressing his own crotch against the others. “Yes?” he asked quietly, running a hand round Gerard’s hip.
The taller male tried to stifle his noise a pleasure and leaned down slightly. “I wanted to know if you wanted to go away this weekend?”
Frank looked up at Gerard, eyes wide. “Really? That’d be… so fun! But what about our parents?”
Now very aware of Frank’s hand just above his ass, the older male smiled wickedly. “Why would they suspect anything? We’re best friends. Nothing unusual about spending a weekend away for a small trip.”
Removing his hand quickly, Frank blushed lightly. “Oh.” he said simply, understanding why they were going away. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?” he asked. He had been ready before Gerard was even aware of his love.
“Yes, I am. I want it to be perfect..”
“You’re perfect.” Frank smiled up at him, eyes glistening with excitement.
“Not quite.” Gerard corrected him and locked their lips together gently.
Gerard finished changing and they took another look round to check everything was clean before Gerard took off Frank’s shirt and put on a hoodie. They then headed downstairs to tell Gerard’s mother their plans for that weekend.
Oh God, he's so emo.
Naw.
Troubled, you know.
ANYWAY!
D:
© 2008 - 2024 Deranged-but-fun
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id-love-to-live's avatar
your fanfic is really good!
Im writing one too but im new on deviant art so i dont know if anyone can see it 
and how do i tag it
im just really confused
sorry
keep writing